Family Culture and the Grief Process

Every day we develop the foundation of family. In our daily routines and interactions, we are actually constructing our family culture, brick by brick. Over time, these little bricks build up to a rock-solid foundation of how we deal with each other and how our children deal with life. Hopefully these bricks are made of tolerance, good humor, kindness, trust and clear communication.

When tragedy strikes, family culture plays a role in our ability to weather the storm. In crisis, we can only do what we know how to do. Families fall back on what they already know, good or bad.

Families that have learned, over the years, how to resolve differences with each other and flexibly respond to the unexpected, will more easily handle life's big tragedies.

Effect of Loss on Distanced Families

For families whose culture does not include mutual caring and communication, disaster can be especially complicated and disturbing. When tragedy strikes, coping systems that already didn't work now leave the family members adrift in a sea of confusion.

Unresolved feelings now surface, causing great bewilderment and anguish. How do you make sense of losing someone when the relationship didn't make sense when the person was alive? Hidden feelings are very slow to heal. Guilt, shame, remorse, feeling lost: this road to healing can be challenging and excruciatingly slow.

Road to Recovery - a Growth Opportunity

Paradoxically, it can also be a time of tremendous growth. The feelings we have so carefully avoided for years can no longer be ignored. This, as painful as it is, can be a blessing. The road to healing from here is a bumpy one, but in the end there will be a greater sense of wholeness and peace for family survivors. This growth can serve as a memorial to the one we have lost.

When our world shattered on that Christmas Eve morning, my children and I were forced into a place we had never been before. Without knowing it, we fell into familiar patterns. We didn't try to do the right thing; we just did what we were used to doing. We held each other. We prayed. We talked. We listened. We cried together and comforted each other. We shared feelings openly knowing it was safe to share.

We made mistakes. We fumbled. I didn't answer all the children's questions in the right way. We didn't always say the right things to each other. We experimented with ways of coping, finding some that worked and some that didn't. We were patient with our trial and error methods. Most of all, we were patient with each other.

If you have a warm family culture, you are blessed. You can help each other heal. Spend time with your family. Learn to grieve together and also learn to grieve on your own. Both are important.

The Slow Process of Healing Family Dynamics

If your family culture is more difficult, you have a different set of challenges. Pick your emotional battles. It's not the time to change your family culture. It's useful to notice the family dynamics so you know what you're dealing with, but not to lecture or crusade for change.

Look for role models or supportive groups/individuals outside your family system who can be there for and with you as you grieve. This can help you to be more patient with your family, and to try smaller steps like these:

If your family doesn't express feelings openly, give yourself permission to have your own feelings and gently encourage others to at least be open to theirs.
If your family never mentions the one who died, try to find subtle, gentle ways to bring their memory back into the family picture.
If your family tends to function as a group, make small gestures to relate individually. Pick out one person and try to see how they are doing.

You may find, as many people do, that devastating loss can also be a catalyst for tremendous healing. Cracked open this way, we have a chance to discover the great love, wisdom and humor buried beneath our dysfunctional patterns.

Helping Your Family
Keeping Family Like Family
Grieving With My Children