The Grief Process

Describing the grief process is a way of trying to understand what happens to us when we deal with unavoidable heartbreak. The process can be different for everyone. Many accounts of it have been put forth. Whether it can really be defined or not is an interesting question.

What is important to know is this: you are going through a very unique process that will demand much from you. Perhaps you have never gone through anything like this before. While most of us believe that we will eventually recover from grief, it is nonetheless a huge life event and not something to be underestimated. However you define the way we deal with it, the grief process must be respected as the monumental project that it truly is.

I could recite for you the five stages of grief (or four or seven, depending on who you talk to). But, I'm not sure that would help you understand what happens when a tragedy strikes you and the grief process, your grief process, begins.

Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial – "This isn't happening."

2. Anger – "Why now? It's not fair!"

3. Bargaining

4. Depression – "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

5. Acceptance – "It's going to be OK."

Are the textbooks on the Stages of Grief right? Probably. Does knowing the grief stages help you? Maybe. Are they relevant to you in the midst of your crisis? I'm not really sure. You have a lot on your plate right now.

Maybe it helps you after the fact or when you're in the middle of your process. Maybe objectivity will give you clarity. Maybe it's comforting to see that everyone, in some way, goes through what you're experiencing.

What happened to me cannot be put into a textbook. I'm guessing it's the same for you. What happens in the grief process is very individual, even if it can be made somewhat universal by tracing the elements and fitting them into an academic framework.

The funny thing is that, while I had studied the stages of grief professionally, I never once referred to it in going through my own grief process. It seemed too mechanical. When it did occur to me to consider these stages, I resented it. I don't like being told what to do and I don't like the idea that the tragic event that happened in my life can somehow be quantified or my process predetermined, even in a general way. But maybe that's just me.

I'd rather examine my life in an intuitive way, tracing the meandering process that winds an intricate road to a destination that's not really a destination at all. Or, is it? If healing, wholeness and growth are the goal of the grief process, I am content with that objective.

I believe that answering these questions will help you discover what the grief process means for you:

How does pain transform your life?
How do we grow and what does that really mean?
What makes you "better"?
How does your grief event fit into everything else that has happened in your life?
What does it all mean to your personally?
Where are you now and where do you go from here?

These are the kinds of things I ask myself about my process. They may be useful and important questions for you to ponder as well. In truth, the grief process will take hold of you whether you like it or not. It behooves you to learn as much as you can about how it works and to try to benefit from it.

The Grief Process

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