Grieving With My Children

As I stood with friends at the scene of the accident, I suddenly remembered that the children were at home alone wondering what was going on. Someone got my car and drove me home. I was dazed and sick and not really sure I knew what had happened to me, but I knew I had to get to my children.

They met me at the door. "Daddy's been killed in an accident," I blurted out, my hand still on the doorknob. As horrible as it is, they have to know. I saw the shock and terror on their young faces. My daughter was 12, my son, 6. From that moment on, we have been coming to terms with what has happened to us.

We huddled together that first night and for many nights to come. We held each other. We talked. We cried. We slept in the same bed. We were stunned together and faced each day together. My son drew pictures of Daddy as an angel. We wrote down things he used to say, afraid we'd forget them.

On the night of the accident a friend came and prepared our dinner. My six year old son asked me why I wasn't eating. "I miss Daddy" I told him. There was only so much of this he was able to take in.

Eventually, we got back into our routine, only it wasn't routine anymore. It was a whole new set of rules. We got home at night and Daddy wasn't with us. He didn't call and he didn't come home.

We remembered what it was like. He would call to check in. He would ask if we needed him to pick up anything at the store on his way home. He would guesstimate when he would arrive and we would watch for him. Then we'd see his lights in the driveway.

"Daddy's home!" the kids would yell. When he walked in, the whole feeling of the house changed. We were together again. We enjoyed our precious evening time. We ate and talked; did homework, watched TV. It felt so good, just to be together.

Now we forget and watch the driveway for headlights.

During those first few weeks we had family time in the evening. We began the process of redefining ourselves as a family. Sometimes I would read out loud from spiritual books about death and the afterlife. Then we would talk about it.

What did it mean for us? The three of us had never talked and thought so much about the afterlife before. Now we had someone very dear to us "on the other side". We really wanted to know what it was like.

My daughter started having dreams. In one, we were all sitting on the couch—the four of us. Daddy was explaining to us what had happened. She didn't remember anything that he said; only that it was comforting and felt so good to be with him again. We were together for a moment. It soothed all of us.

How Can You Be With Your Children When a Loved One Has Died?

Consider this:

Cherish your family time. Your children need it now more than ever.
Don't feel you have to answer every question your children ask literally. Often they just want to open up the topic for conversation.
Balance serious discussions with something light. We made a habit of watching I Love Lucy before bedtime.
Remember that children view all of these subjects very differently than we do. Be careful when making assumptions about where they are with everything.

Helping Your Family
Keeping Family Like Family
Family Culture and the Grief Process