How To Help Yourself

 

Even though the enormous import of what has happened cries out for attention, I still have to do errands, put gas in the car, prepare meals, answer the phone, do laundry, feed the dog. Really?

How am I supposed to cope with my feelings and conduct a life too? There's no answer to that question and there's no way of avoiding life. The sweet faces of my children compel me to care for them and to attempt what seems impossible. Maybe it's not impossible. Maybe it can be done; it just doesn't feel like it yet.

Denial protects me to a degree, but the persistent reality of my loss never really goes away. I have to face it with each step I take, facing life moment by moment. Keep moving, keep dealing, keep setting a destination and moving toward it. Strangely, at some point, it begins to feel like progress.

On the night my husband died (Christmas Eve), I sat on the side of my bed and stuffed the children's Christmas stockings. How strange to think of it now. What a bizarre thing to do. Was it the right decision or the wrong decision? Neither, actually. It was the best decision. It was an impossible decision, yet one that could not go unmade. The events that unfolded for us now would not be linear and would never make sense. And I would just have to accept that.

Recovery - Like Balancing On A Log

Have you ever walked across a stream on a fallen log? What's the first thing you do? You get your balance. Then you take a step. And the next thing you do? Gain your balance again. And on it goes until you reach the other side.

We instinctively do this on a log, but when it comes to dealing with intense feelings, we tend to charge ahead as if it were a race to be run or another job to be checked off our list. We take no notice of the danger of losing our footing.

Sometimes well meaning friends, family and even professionals will pressure us to face our grief head-on and 'move on'. Rubbish. Dealing with pain successfully springs from a platform of balance. First gain your equilibrium and you will be more able to deal with the intensity of what you are feeling. Eat well. Take your vitamins. Exercise. Take a nap. See your doctor for a check-up. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others you care for.

This is not denial. It is management. A hydrated, nourished brain is much more capable of coping with the practical and emotional challenges that we face.

And one more thought about well-meaning friends or advisors. Healing and recovery is a highly individual process. This journey is best approached from the inner promptings of the heart rather than from what we think we should do/think/feel or what is expected of us.

Be compassionate with yourself and patient with the process. And remember that dealing with daily life can be a good balance to coping with overwhelming feelings.

Maybe taking care of a family and having to put gas in the car was good for me. It slowed me down and prevented me from rushing into my pain. There is profound wisdom and gentleness in the daily ritual of meeting the mundane requirements of life.

Dealing with Shock
Picking Up the Pieces
The Road to Recovery