Keeping Family Feeling Like Family

 

I knew at once I had to keep the feeling of family alive for me and for my children. Whatever had happened to us, we were still a family.

The Direct Approach: Acknowledge and Check In

When we were hit by what felt like a freight train, I gathered my children close to me, physically and emotionally. I stated and acknowledged the obvious: a terrible thing has happened to us. Daddy is gone and we are heartbroken. But, I told them, we are still a family and we have each other and we will get through this together. Mommy's here. God will help us.

We touched with hugs and holding hands. I checked in with my children with eye contact that conveyed my heart's concern for them. They saw my tears and I saw their shattered world in their eyes.

There was lots of physical proximity. We slept in the same bed the first night, huddled together for comfort. We actually did that for several nights and then just slept in the same room and did that for as long as we needed to.

Physical and emotional proximity was the first way we stayed close and part of our process of healing.

We repeated our process of acknowledging and checking in. Something bad has happened to us. We are hurting and it's a very bad hurt. The blow to our family is enormous. We miss Daddy. We're all afraid we might not get through this. Yet, we love each other; we care for each other; we're together and we are a family.

We talked and we shared. We comforted each other and cried in each other's arms. We were so sad together.

Getting Our Bearings

At some point, "normal life" imposed itself upon us. We were expected to go back to school and back to work. Strangely, the world around us had not stopped turning. It was very important that I was the one to take my children to school every day and to pick them up. My son called me at work after I dropped him off to make sure I made it safely. I made sure that I was never late to pick them up so that they weren't afraid something happened to me.

We started new rituals together to continue the process of acknowledging and honoring our grief and comforting each other in our sorrow. We read together every night—something spiritual that helped us understand our loss. After that we watched I Love Lucy to lighten up before going to bed. It turned out to be a good little routine for us. Slowly, we had started the process of functioning as a family, on our own now, without Daddy.

We have learned to perform a kind of dance: on the one hand recognizing our tremendous loss and honoring our beloved father and husband; and on the other, starting a new life as the surviving family. This has meant new family rituals that create a new family identity.

Always incorporating our past, we move forward into our new future. We are changed and we are the same. Our pain is becoming a vehicle for our transformation.

Little by little, microscopic at first, the healing process begins.

Helping Your Family With Grief and Loss Recovery

Family Culture and the Grief Process
Grieving With My Children
Helping Your Family